If you’re looking for eloquence, search elsewhere; because, for this girl, eloquence is a bit of a foreign word right now.
“Why?” You ask.
It’s pretty hard to sum up life these days. Because, some days my mind flies at 100 miles an hour from point A to B, then off to Z and back to point B again. Other days, my mind still feels dull and numb with shock. There’s a lot to think about, a lot to process when everything you know as normal is suddenly changed into a new reality and you’re left to re-learn how to live life.
So, I may not always have words to describe life from day to day, but there are a few things I can tell you about with words.
I can tell you about how God has sung—or perhaps shouted—over me this past week. How He’s reminded me of His promises again and again and again. How He shows me Who He is and who I am in Him.
It’s amazing to me, how God persists in His pursuit of me in this journey He has brought me on. Such as when I’m driving home from work and a flood grief overwhelms me and the tears overflow. I cry out to Jesus to help me process all this. During that moment, I tune into the radio that’s singing in the background and hear the following words—God’s words for me:
“Higher than the mountains that I face,
Stronger than the power of the grave,
Constant in the trial and the change,
One thing remains
Your love never fails, It never gives up
It never runs out on me
Because on and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I’ll never, ever, have to be afraid
One thing remains
“Kristi, you may know nothing else right now; you may not know what to think or how to think or how to do life right now, but there is one thing you can know beyond a shadow of a doubt: I do not change, my love does not fail. I’m higher than any mountain you’re facing now, or ever will face. My strength far surpasses the power of the grave—no matter how powerful it seems to you right now. Remember, I do not change, therefore, no matter what you face, my love for you does not change. Rest in Me. I love you.”
I will add that God continued to drive these truths deeper the rest of the week, as every time I got in the van to go somewhere, this song would play on the radio.
I can tell you about how God is teaching me patience. I have always been one to enjoy “To-Do” lists. Not because I enjoy all the to-do’s, but because I like getting through them in the quickest, most efficient way possible and crossing them off my list. So when God takes me down a path that requires time and energy and emotion, I realize again the need for patience. Because this is not something I can just “get through” and cross off my list of experiences. I am reminded that “quick” is not always the best rout, because what if—what if—the things God has to teach me are in the process of feeling and experiencing this constant pain? What if it is during this very dark time that God will shine His glory the brightest?
I’m reminded of a picture God gave me several years ago during another painful time that I was wishing to just be “through”. A picture of two crosses: I was on one cross, and Jesus was on the other, and tears were streaming down His face. He was crying with me. God does not arbitrarily give me pain because He likes to see me writhe in it. He does not hand this pain to me and leave me to figure out what to do with it all. He gives me this pain because it is part of His good plan. He weeps to see me hurt, but He knows that in the long run it’ll be for my good and His glory. He walks this journey with me—carrying me all the way.
So I choose, again, to walk this road, however long it takes, because this is where God has brought me and there is no place I’d rather be than with Him.
Because though I walk through this valley of the shadow of death—though it hurts and it’s excruciating, and many times I have questions and doubts, and wonder if it really has to be this way—I will fear no evil, because I know that my God is with me. I know that He is good and no matter what happens He will not change.
He understands far more than I ever will. So I rest in Him, in His love and His promises.
Jesus, help me to rest in you, in Your promises. Thank you for your love that truly overwhelms and satisfies my soul—that is all I want, all I really need.
“Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here’s my heart, Lord. Take and seal it. Seal it for thy courts above.”